As I mentioned a few posts ago – Ang and I are NOT PERFECT, and we have a lot to learn about parenting, but we also have a lot of knowledge and experience in the area, and we want to share that with you all. . . . . . BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE NOONE IS TALKING ABOUT GOOD PARENTING ANYMORE – and well, . . . . that is kind of frustrating to us

For those of you who may not know us very well let me give you our background (i.e., reasons why I think we have some ability to speak on these issues). Besides our 4 children (5.5, 4, 2, 3 months), Ang. is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) working 6 years at the counseling center at St. Marys College. She has also worked with the Stars Parenting network in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and recently helped establish intervention curriculum for kids coming from “troubled” homes. In addition, she teaches several courses at Bethel College including Parenting among others like Crisis Intervention, and other human services courses.

As for me, I have my PhD. in Cognitive Psychology, and teach full time at Bethel courses like Child Growth and Development, LifeSpan Growth and Development, and Adolescent Growth and Development. I have also had the privilege to work with/guide middle school and high school students for the past 9 years through the following activities: Manger of teen workers on the inner city, North side of Milwaukee, Social worker on the inner city, South side of Milwaukee for first time juvenile delinquents, Alternative high school teacher for grades 9-12 in inner city Milwaukee, youth group adult volunteer leader for 6 years, middle school camp counselor for 5 years – - what a blessing those experiences have been.

AGAIN – we still have a lot to learn, but we want to share what we know, so, let’s start with kids throwing fits

Kids are going to have fits – that’s ok, they are exploring their transition into both verbal and physical modes of expressing emotion. Overall, what this means is that . . . your child is NORMAL; however, how you as a parent interpret and react to these fits can make your life easier or more difficult.

1. It doesn’t mean you are bad parent – in fact, many times you are just following through with a rule/warning that you gave them just minutes earlier. It is that consistency in “following through” with things that you say that actually helps make you a very good parent!

2. It doesn’t mean your child is out of control. They are disappointed because they are not able to get something that they want, and they do not have the vocabulary/self control to express it verbally until around 4 or so. In fact many of us throw fits. . . they just look very differently (sometimes) with all our “adult” mannerisms. During their prime years of 2 and 3, fits can occur quite frequently, but if you think they are happening too much check these things first A) are they getting enough sleep? (usually, 10-12 hours) B) are you consistent in following through with what you say?, or do you “give in” to the child’s fits (e.g., saying they must eat their vegetables before getting a treat, but then eventually letting them have one anyway, etc… I will do much more on “meal time” in a later post) – By the way. . . .YES, the children do remember these occasions where you “gave in”, which will make it even harder next time to get the behavior that you want out of your child. C) are they eating healthy foods? – they can only run on the fuel they are given, and your car would get really cranky too if you but in Diesel instead of unleaded. D) are they getting enough exercise? many times fits last longer than necessary because children have a lot of energy that has not been released elsewhere. E) are they getting enough of your attention? Children need one on one attention, you, as the parent, on their level playing/exploring/being silly with them. Sometimes, fits are a result of a child’s need for attention from the ones they love the most – YOU. By the way watching TV with them does not count for much -

3. Don’t let fits make you lose control. They are disappointed in not being able to do something – you might be the only one there, and so they take it out on you. . . . now, in adult world we call this “scapegoating” and far too often, we use much more complicated ways of pulling this off – many of which, are intentional. That child loves you so much – don’t misread their actions. . . . .I mean sure, if an older child or an adult was doing what that 2 year old was doing then there would be some serious issues, but. . . . step out of your adult world, and enter the child’s – they are not intentionally trying to make you mad. . . . . . so don’t give them control of your emotions – choose to be the one that remains under control, so that they will watch and learn – and know how to remain under control themselves. . . . who else are they going to learn self-control from??!!! .

4. They do not know what is best for them – you do. If they throw a fit, it does not mean that all of a sudden they have somehow grown up from 2 to 50 and are an expert in this area – NO, you know what is best for them (that is part of our responsibility as parents – to read, learn from each other – what is actually the best for our children!), and you should NOT give into their fits – if you do. . . you are surrendering your authority as a parent (more on this in a later post). It is ok in a CALM way – to reassure them that Mommy/Daddy knows what’s best for them, and that they can trust Mommy/Daddy (e.g., if it is a food item – you can say something like ”Mommy/Daddy knows what’s best for your body – so you can grow healthy and strong like Mommy and Daddy).

5. It is ok to find quiet humor in them. Many times finding humor can be the choice of emotion for me instead of anger. Now, you obviously do not want to laugh at your children, but I often think to myself (or talk it over with Ang later) how good that particular fit ranks with some other ones that I have seen, and this often helps me keep a level head, and the less I get worked up, the less time the child will be worked up. . . . remember they are learning by watching us and our reactions. The less they see you lose it – the more they will keep it.

As far as fits go – here are our children during their prime fit years of 2 and 3:

Elliana had the classic melt to the floor – as if she completely lost all muscle control and simple crumples – crying

Kya had the running to the nearest corner of the room while crying and yelling a little bit – and he would just bury himself in the corner

Dakota has two right now – one is the strong “NO” while taking a swat/swing in the general direction of the person – and having a very stern look on his face, and the second one is running into the living room crying, and then throwing himself onto the ottamen – burying his face into it

Here is the video of the second fit – caught on tape last night

Looking forward to this journey together  – please feel free to share comments so that we can all learn together.

So, even though his birthday is tomorrow – we went ahead and celebrated tonight while my parents were here from Tennessee.  Here are some of the festivities

Here is a video of us tonight:

Here is a special video to Nicole and Aaron Marshall in South Africa – thanks for your love . . . and your drum!!

Now let’s start at the beginning -we went to Hacienda to celebrate:

Elliana lost her first tooth tonight – somewhere between chip #4 and Chip #10

Dane gazing out of the window of the car – I am sure just in wonder of his now, 2 year old brother

Trying to blow out the candles – like a moth to a flame!!

Yeah!. . . it was good cake

Here is the birthday boy. . . .I can’t believe he is 2!!

Dane is even getting into the spirit!!

Family photo time!!!!!

Opening presents as Nana and Papa, as well as the Thursby’s (cousin keegan is in the photo) watched from Florida through Skype!!

Thanks for celebrating with us, and thank you God for allowing us to borrow little Dakota!!

So, we had a great time Saturday night going to the zoo (yeah . . . we have season passes. . .), and one of our favorite things every year is the “zoo boo”. . . . Basically, the zoo is lit up with “Christmas” lights and there are patrons that line the sides of the walkway giving away candy and flyers. . . so, you get stuff like candy taped onto “3 months of free Karate” etc…. – Good times

Here are some pictures of the kids inthe costumes . . . . did I mention. . . . all of South Bend and Mishawaka were there!!

Introducing the ham in our family tonight. . .Dakota Alan Bryant. . .say CHEESE