OK – don’t give me a hard time . . . I know that it is March, and I am just now posting our letter and video – sorry about that. I was in a cave for around 4 months – but better later than never right

We spend quite a bit of time on our letter, because we feel that having clear, intentional communication is very important – especially when you KNOW that people are going to be reading it. We just feel like this is yet another opportunity that God gives us each year to give Him glory by sharing the story of the past year as witnesses to what God is up to in our lives. So, here is the letter that we wrote and the video recap of our multiple celebrations!!!

THE LETTER:

The adventure continues 2009

Philippians 4:6: “do not be anxious about anything, but through prayer and petition submit everything to God, and He will give you a peace that passes all understanding.”

What a wonderful year this has been full of so much adventure. The year had such a difficult beginning with the loss of Ted’s aunt and uncle (Phil and Louie Rieman). They were such tremendous servants of peace and love, dedicated to trying to bring the Kingdom of God to everyone they encountered.  They are greatly missed –

Inspired by their legacy and the injustices witnessed through his trip to India, Ted began a journey to grow greenLockers (www.greenlockers.org – his non-profit organization) this past year, and God continues to bless the project with over  17 schools participating producing 9,000 lbs of supplies, which were given to 23 different charities in the area, as well as to orphans in Mexico and India. Ted continues to love teaching and mentoring students at Bethel, and has been humbled and honored by the influence that he holds on campus and in our community.

Angela feels privileged to be at home enjoying the little moments each day with the kids. She continues to equip psychology students teaching at Bethel one night a week. With a passion for family and fulfilling relationships, she loves getting to mentor several young women on campus as well as developing new curricula for the premarital counseling seminars at our Church.

As blessed as we feel with all of that, it pales in comparison to the newest addition to our family. Dane Justice Bryant was loaned to us on 3.3.09, and our lives have been enriched ever since. He is such a good boy with his favorite activities including pulling himself up on anything he can grab onto, and trying to sneak away from us to crawl as fast as he can to the dog food and water bowls!! J. Elliana, Kya, and Dakota are great with him – they love him so much!

Elliana started Kindergarten this year. . . she is growing up way too fast (ok, now I sound old J). Her and Kya both love their new public Montessori school that they are attending. Dakota gets to have some great time with Mommy and baby Dane in the morning, and he loves to “read” books.

Amidst the planning, and efforts to raise kids well, fulfill responsibilities at work, church, and in our community. . . . we were interrupted in September of this year. Since we know God loves interrupting our lives (i.e., look back at our track history the past 10 years), we decided to listen. What we heard was a call to help the broken children all around us by becoming a foster family. We have completed the paperwork and begin training early next year, with our first placement probably happening in March sometime. . . . the adventure continues J.  We are excited and nervous, but have decided – like most of the rest of this year – to live in Phil. 4:6. God has got our back, and so we are committed to love boldly in the opportunities He places before us.

We love you all so much, and are incredibly blessed to have you in our lives. We hope and pray that you and your families have the opportunity to love, and be loved, like never before this Christmas season!! Peace & love to all!

THE VIDEO

Christmas celebration 2009 from Ted Bryant on Vimeo.

So, we are in the middle of a parenting series at Church (GCC – you can follow this link to watch the full service), and this past weekend really made an impact on Ang and I. Mark Beeson encouraged us think about the vision, mission, and values of our family. Now, Ang and I had thought about doing this before, and there have even been a few times in the past few years that we actually set aside time to work on this. . . . . and . . . . nothing happened – something came up, . . . we just weren’t feeling like it that day, etc….. – you might have had similar days/thoughts.

So, chalk this up to a way in which becoming foster parents has already made us more intentional parents – we no longer have any time to linger in figuring this out. Don’t get me wrong, . . .  I feel like Ang and I communicate well, and are on the same page 99% of the time when it comes to parenting, but that reality is not an excuse for not thinking through these concepts and getting them on paper. The way that I see it – it will only improve our parenting and our family as we have something that we can return to and remember where our focus is – AND it is a tremendous tool to create a COMMON LANGUAGE of intention and purpose in our family that we can pass on to our children. .  . . . so, . . . yes. . . this will be hanging in our house

Here is what we have come up with

THE VISION (why do we do what we do):

The Bryant family has been given tremendous privilege, talent, resources, and heart to do great things for the Kingdom of God, and we will live to that purpose because we believe that loving other people first as Jesus does – without the worldly conditions of status, characteristics, beliefs, or past behavior – is the highest call given to us.

THE MISSION (what are the steps that we take towards the vision):

As a family we seek to always give God maximum glory by worshiping Him through all of our daily activities – regardless of the circumstances.  This starts with daily submitting our priorities, attitude, time, service, and provision to the LORD.  In addition to studying the truth found in the Bible, we will critically educate ourselves in the opportunities that God has placed before us and seek with great perseverance to be the best stewards of His gifts, which He has so generously poured out to us. If God’s revealed will is somehow in conflict with our own wants and levels of comfort, we will choose to “get over it” and trust Him. We refuse to believe that the greatest life that God wants for us is one of ease, but one that is full (Jn 10:10) – living at the edge of all possibility – accepting both the good days and the difficult ones. The Bryant family will always stand to fight against the enemy and his lies, and will not shrink back from the mantle of carrying the good news to ALL the world.

THE VALUES (how do we treat each other):

1. We choose truth over lying in every situation – regardless of the consequences that may follow.

2. We will treat each other with unconditional love – being accepting, respectful, and kind.

3. We will seek to serve one another before receiving.

4. We will encourage each other in every activity – choosing to build up, and never to tear down.

5. We will choose to view conflict as a tool for unification instead of division.

6. We will be grateful, not greedy.

7. We will sharpen each other to be healthy spiritually, psychologically, physically, intellectually, and socially.

8. We will generously give grace to each other – choosing forgiveness over condemnation.

9. We will try our best knowing that is all God ever asks of us no matter the result.

10. We will stand up for one another, and be there for each other no matter the sacrifice.

11. We will genuinely listen, seeking understanding not only of words but of the heart.

12. We will bring our fun with us; wherever God takes us .

- I encourage you, at whatever stage of life that you are in – to take the time to do this . . . establish your focus in life. . . it is worth the time and effort!

I can’t believe that in just a week, Dane Justice Bryant will be 4 months old. It is already hard to remember details of what life was like without him.  Here is my new favorite picture of him – he loves to smile a lot, and he even laughed for the first time the other night!!

Ang and I have no idea who Dane is going to become when he is older, and we know that the enemy is going to be throwing a lot at him and us throughout the whole journey, but we have come to some conclusions about this:

1. It is our responsibility as parents to be listening and watching for clues for Dane’s journey. . . without jumping to conclusions (that is the hard part)

2. We must show him Jesus through our behaviors and communication – how Ang and I act and speak to each other will be the primary model for interpersonal behavior and communication for the first 10 years of his life. This is not only because of frequency, but also because of authority and “assumed righteousness” (i.e., kids until about 7 tend to believe that most of what their parents due is “right”).

3. Once again, the popular developmental theoriest – Bandura, explained that so much of what children do as they grow up is based on modeling what they have seen in their environment. This idea of modeling transcends conventional definitions such as, “not swearing,” “not yelling”, and “treating others nicely” – of course those are nice, but just a basic start. Modeling how to live is so much more than that – including things like. . . .

demonstrating appropriate life rhythm (i.e., hard work but then vacations, Sabbath, general breaks, etc…),

conflict resolution (i.e., it is ok for parents to “fight” in front of their kids AS LONG AS they are using appropriate means of conflict resolution),

management of emotions – not just the lows, but the highs as well,

becoming a critical thinker capable of making wise decisions,

etc….

I could keep going on and on with this one, but as a start, Ang and I have decided to meditate on the fruits of the spirit – in order to try and not only show them more in our life, but also be able to label them for our kids when we see them doing one (or someone else expressing one of them). This type of labeling of emotions is called “emotional scaffolding.” The terminology is very appropriate because we are trying to build a repertoire of emotional labels for our children so that they may be highly emotionally intelligent as adults (which men, in particular, are often lacking).

Here are the fruits of the Spirit- received from Discipleshiptools.org http://discipleshiptools.org/apps/articles/default.asp?articleid=36690&columnid=41:

Fruit of the Spirit is Self-Control
Self-Control is allowing God to be in control of your will and heart and seeking the Spirit to enable us.

Not sure about you, but. . . . Ang and I have plenty of work cut out for us in chasing after these fruits with all that we are so that. . . . . our kids can be all that they were meant to be.

As I mentioned a few posts ago – Ang and I are NOT PERFECT, and we have a lot to learn about parenting, but we also have a lot of knowledge and experience in the area, and we want to share that with you all. . . . . . BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE NOONE IS TALKING ABOUT GOOD PARENTING ANYMORE – and well, . . . . that is kind of frustrating to us

For those of you who may not know us very well let me give you our background (i.e., reasons why I think we have some ability to speak on these issues). Besides our 4 children (5.5, 4, 2, 3 months), Ang. is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) working 6 years at the counseling center at St. Marys College. She has also worked with the Stars Parenting network in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and recently helped establish intervention curriculum for kids coming from “troubled” homes. In addition, she teaches several courses at Bethel College including Parenting among others like Crisis Intervention, and other human services courses.

As for me, I have my PhD. in Cognitive Psychology, and teach full time at Bethel courses like Child Growth and Development, LifeSpan Growth and Development, and Adolescent Growth and Development. I have also had the privilege to work with/guide middle school and high school students for the past 9 years through the following activities: Manger of teen workers on the inner city, North side of Milwaukee, Social worker on the inner city, South side of Milwaukee for first time juvenile delinquents, Alternative high school teacher for grades 9-12 in inner city Milwaukee, youth group adult volunteer leader for 6 years, middle school camp counselor for 5 years – - what a blessing those experiences have been.

AGAIN – we still have a lot to learn, but we want to share what we know, so, let’s start with kids throwing fits

Kids are going to have fits – that’s ok, they are exploring their transition into both verbal and physical modes of expressing emotion. Overall, what this means is that . . . your child is NORMAL; however, how you as a parent interpret and react to these fits can make your life easier or more difficult.

1. It doesn’t mean you are bad parent – in fact, many times you are just following through with a rule/warning that you gave them just minutes earlier. It is that consistency in “following through” with things that you say that actually helps make you a very good parent!

2. It doesn’t mean your child is out of control. They are disappointed because they are not able to get something that they want, and they do not have the vocabulary/self control to express it verbally until around 4 or so. In fact many of us throw fits. . . they just look very differently (sometimes) with all our “adult” mannerisms. During their prime years of 2 and 3, fits can occur quite frequently, but if you think they are happening too much check these things first A) are they getting enough sleep? (usually, 10-12 hours) B) are you consistent in following through with what you say?, or do you “give in” to the child’s fits (e.g., saying they must eat their vegetables before getting a treat, but then eventually letting them have one anyway, etc… I will do much more on “meal time” in a later post) – By the way. . . .YES, the children do remember these occasions where you “gave in”, which will make it even harder next time to get the behavior that you want out of your child. C) are they eating healthy foods? – they can only run on the fuel they are given, and your car would get really cranky too if you but in Diesel instead of unleaded. D) are they getting enough exercise? many times fits last longer than necessary because children have a lot of energy that has not been released elsewhere. E) are they getting enough of your attention? Children need one on one attention, you, as the parent, on their level playing/exploring/being silly with them. Sometimes, fits are a result of a child’s need for attention from the ones they love the most – YOU. By the way watching TV with them does not count for much -

3. Don’t let fits make you lose control. They are disappointed in not being able to do something – you might be the only one there, and so they take it out on you. . . . now, in adult world we call this “scapegoating” and far too often, we use much more complicated ways of pulling this off – many of which, are intentional. That child loves you so much – don’t misread their actions. . . . .I mean sure, if an older child or an adult was doing what that 2 year old was doing then there would be some serious issues, but. . . . step out of your adult world, and enter the child’s – they are not intentionally trying to make you mad. . . . . . so don’t give them control of your emotions – choose to be the one that remains under control, so that they will watch and learn – and know how to remain under control themselves. . . . who else are they going to learn self-control from??!!! .

4. They do not know what is best for them – you do. If they throw a fit, it does not mean that all of a sudden they have somehow grown up from 2 to 50 and are an expert in this area – NO, you know what is best for them (that is part of our responsibility as parents – to read, learn from each other – what is actually the best for our children!), and you should NOT give into their fits – if you do. . . you are surrendering your authority as a parent (more on this in a later post). It is ok in a CALM way – to reassure them that Mommy/Daddy knows what’s best for them, and that they can trust Mommy/Daddy (e.g., if it is a food item – you can say something like ”Mommy/Daddy knows what’s best for your body – so you can grow healthy and strong like Mommy and Daddy).

5. It is ok to find quiet humor in them. Many times finding humor can be the choice of emotion for me instead of anger. Now, you obviously do not want to laugh at your children, but I often think to myself (or talk it over with Ang later) how good that particular fit ranks with some other ones that I have seen, and this often helps me keep a level head, and the less I get worked up, the less time the child will be worked up. . . . remember they are learning by watching us and our reactions. The less they see you lose it – the more they will keep it.

As far as fits go – here are our children during their prime fit years of 2 and 3:

Elliana had the classic melt to the floor – as if she completely lost all muscle control and simple crumples – crying

Kya had the running to the nearest corner of the room while crying and yelling a little bit – and he would just bury himself in the corner

Dakota has two right now – one is the strong “NO” while taking a swat/swing in the general direction of the person – and having a very stern look on his face, and the second one is running into the living room crying, and then throwing himself onto the ottamen – burying his face into it

Here is the video of the second fit – caught on tape last night

Looking forward to this journey together  – please feel free to share comments so that we can all learn together.